I can still hear you telling me “one day when you’re a mother, you will understand”. I never quite understood what you meant by this, so I shrugged it off. But, Mom, I get it now.
I understand the pain a mother will feel when her child is crying from a tummy ache and there is nothing she can do to take it away except cradle her small child in her arms and let the warm tears soak her neck, because a Mom’s embrace is the only thing that can soothe her. I understand, in that moment, the longing a mother feels wishing that there was something she could do to take on that pain herself just to spare her baby from ever feeling discomfort.
I understand the pride that only a mother will experience when she watches her child reach a new milestone all by herself, and the sadness that follows when you realize that time is cruel and she’s not a newborn baby anymore.
I understand the complete exhaustion a mother feels at the end of the day because instead of taking a nap herself when the babies were sleeping, she decided to do a load of laundry, pick up the toys, feed the dog and clean the kitchen.
I understand the worry a mother experiences every night when she gets into bed and closes her eyes because somewhere in the back of her subconscious is the fear that she might not hear her babies calling for her in the middle of the night.
In those first few days when we brought the twins home, when everyone was worried whether the babies had eaten and slept, it was you, Mom, who was worried if your baby had eaten and slept.
For the first time in a long time, I felt your protective motherly love in a way that I haven’t felt since childhood.
For the first time, I recognized and understood the worry in your face when you helped me lift my foot high enough over the side of the tub so that I could take a shower after my C-Section. I recognized and understood, without words, that if there was anything you could have done to take away the pain and soreness that I was experiencing from having my insides cut open, you would have done it in a heartbeat.
I recognized and understood the pride you felt for me when you watched me from the other side of the room as I played on the floor with my two babies, and you realized that I’ve started to get comfortable standing on my own two feet as a new mom.
I recognized and understood your exhaustion when you drove more than an hour every morning in rush hour traffic every day for four months so you could be there to help me. Then drove more than an hour home in rush hour traffic every night to make dinner, clean your kitchen and be a mom to your other children.
I recognize and understand the worry you had every time I walked out the door on a Friday night, and the fear that lay subconsciously in the back of your mind that you might not hear me calling for you.
Mom, I get it now.
I know what you meant when you said “one day when you’re a mother, you will understand”.
I now understand the intensity of your love in a way that I had never understood it before and I thank you for loving me so deeply, the way that only a mother can.